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“Unsatisfied - The Replacements”

I’m sitting in my room, junk cluttering my desk, books lying everywhere, signed movie poster on my wall for a film I’ve never seen, photos on my wall of people I haven’t spoken to in months, even years…

It’s pretty much 4 years to the day since I finished sixth form at secondary school. I’m about to finish my fourth and final year of a maths degree at university. I turn will turn 22 in a month. I know that i’m far from being old. I know that I still have so much ahead of me in life, but the past few days I’ve been thinking a lot about the past, things I’ve done, things I haven’t, opportunities I’ve missed, and all the trivial little things that you think matter, but looking back they really don’t. Even recent things that have been going on with me, sure in the long run some of them could have mattered, but those situations have changed, generally they still matter but the particulars don’t.

I think we don’t take enough chances, we don’t make the most of the opportunities we’re given, we don’t MAKE THE MOST OF OUR LIVES.

I know what I am hoping to do next year. If I get into the course, great. If not, i’m going to spend the year doing what I hope to be doing most of this summer…

I want to do something different, I don’t want to be stuck doing the same old things I always do. I want to do what I enjoy, spend time with the people I care about. I don’t want to look back in 5 or 10 years time and wish I had lived more. I’m going to take all the chances I get over the next few months, maybe even the next year. I’m going to do things I’ve always wanted to do, things I never though I’d do, things that I’ll enjoy, things that might scare me, but things that I’ll look back at in the future and be glad that I did them.

All the petty things in life we worry and fret about, what’s the point?

Get out there and live your life, cause up until now I haven’t…

…and that’s all about to change

A few years ago whilst flicking through IMDB, a friend came across a movie and immediately thought it was a “Craig film.” Naturally I bookmarked it in my favorites so I could find and watch it later.

                Then I forgot about it…

About 8 or 9 months ago I was walking around a bookshop and spotted a book that I recognized the title of, but couldn’t work out where from, so obviously I went straight to Google, and lone behold it was the book that the film was based on. So straight away I bought it. Now I buy a lot of books, and when I got this one I already had 4 or 5 others waiting to be read

                So I forgot about it…

Then at Christmas, I got the DVD of the film as a present. As is always the case with films adapted from books, I decided to read the book first before watching the movie.

I started the book a week ago. I finished it a few days later. I watched the movie a few nights ago.

I always tend to relate to books, but a book has never spoken to me so clearly as this one did. It probably helped that the main character is called Craig. The main gist of the story is that Craig is a stressed out, depressed, suicidal teenager, not really fitting in anywhere, wanting a girl he can’t have, who ends up checking himself into a psychiatric hospital where he discovers who he really is and what he really wants.

If I had read this book months ago when I first got it, or right after Christmas, sure it would have still been a great book, but it wouldn’t have affected me as much as it has right now in my life.

I don’t like writing overly emotional stuff, or letting people see how i’m really feeling, see the real me, opening up, but it’s about to happen…

For those that are close to me, or have involved in my life recently will know that it’s been a very up and down time for me. But there’s still stuff only a handful of people know, and there’s still stuff that no one know.

I’m a pretty lonely guy, that’ll be no shock to my closest friends. I always have been. I can be surrounded by mates and still feel alone. I can be sitting one on one with someone and still feel empty and desolate. Very few people have ever been able to make me feel different every time when I’m with them. Sure there are times when i’m not as bad, but so few have ever been able to make me consistently feel like like. The down side is that when I do find someone like that I can get very clingy. I had someone who did consistently make me feel like that, but now i’ve lost her. But that’s not what i’m here to talk about.

I’ve struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. Maybe at times it hasn’t been too bad, but those that know me, know that over the last 2 or 3 years, it has taken over my life, and the past 6 weeks or so have been especially rough. I’ve kept myself to myself. I’ve not bothered people with my problems. I haven’t shown people my problems…

In the book, the main female lead has scars on her face from self harming. One of the reasons Craig says he likes her so much is because she doesn’t hide her problems, they are there for the world to see. We always tend to hide our problems, to want to keep them to ourselves, to not show out vulnerability.

I have mental health issues. I have self-harm issues. I have physical issues. I have religion & faith issues. I have God issues. I’ve messed up in the past in many different ways. I’ve caused people hurt. I’ve been hurt by people. I’ve closed myself off. I’ve opened myself up and got hurt.

I have scars…physical and mental, some more recent and raw than others.

But scars are all about the past. They are about moving on with life. They are about learning from your mistakes. They are about reminding you that life is short, and yes it sucks sometimes, but you won’t make it better unless YOU do something about it…

The last paragraph of the book made me see that. Here’s what it says…

Travel. Fly. Swim. Meet. Love. Dance. Win. Smile. Laugh. Hold. Walk. Skip. Ski. Sled. Play basketball. Jog. Run. Run. Run. Run home. Run home and enjoy. Enjoy. Take these verbs and enjoy them. They’re yours, Craig. You deserve them because you chose them. You could have left them all behind but you chose to stay here.

So now live for real, Craig. Live. Live. Live. Live.

Live…